Counsellor's Corner

Did you know 2-8 is Mental Health week? Visit https://www.mentalhealthweek.ca/ for more information and some great articles related to mental health, and our last month's topic, empathy. 

We want to raise children who are happy, successful, confident and feel good about themselves. We know that habits, good or bad ones, are formed from repeating our actions over and over. Behaviours set up pathways in the brain that become easier to access with time and repetition. This means that if we respond in a certain way, maybe involuntarily at first, the behaviour pattern may become automatic. This is why modelling at school and at home are so important, we teach our kids how to act as they watch us in day to day situations. When children observe behaviours, their brains create pathways for the behaviours which they then repeat more easily, and eventually, automatically.

How do you act when your are angry? Frustrated? Annoyed? When kids have big feelings and don’t know how to act, they may resort to these learned or observed behaviors.  We have heard the advice, “If you’re mad, scream into a pillow, or punch a pillow.” This is surprising advice and we strongly advise against teaching this to our kids. When we become angry our brain jumps to the “how do I act when I’m angry” pathway and doesn’t distinguish between a pillow and a person. The neural message is “scream” or “hit”… not a behaviour we want to encourage or have become automatic.

Instead, the message should be “stay calm” or “think clearly”.  Modelling this for our kids is the best way to teach them. We know that showing empathy is important and modelling it will help! Counting to ten is great for people who have mastered relaxation techniques, but we need to teach this to our children when they are calm. Talk about those difficult situations when everyone is calm. Tell your child to take a deep breath in through their nose, to give their shoulders a gentle shake and to wiggle their fingers. Have them relax their jaw and their eyebrows. Repeat these instructions, maybe even have them think of things that make them happy or calm. Try having them whisper quiet messages such as, “I’m okay,” or “Everything is okay.” Ask them to imagine themselves dealing with the problem in a positive way, or to imagine the problem solved. In a real life setting ,at this point you may be able to have a calm, rational conversation with them, and work things out.

Another important thing to model for our kids is staying positive. Find the positive and point that out to our kids, daily. Instead of pointing out the negative, or the behaviours you want them to change, tell your child what they are doing right and they will remember that! If a day isn’t going well, find what is going well and make the best of it. Perspective can change everything. Finding time to acknowledge something great that your child did only takes a few seconds and can make their day, day after day, so much better. They will feel good about themselves, and will want to continue to do the positives. Unintentionally, we sometimes focus on the negative or start with the list of things our children need to do or work on as soon as they are home. Would you want to come home from your day to that? Try giving them a break, point out something you love about them and ask them what the best thing about their day was. Tell them something they are good at, notice something they are trying hard at. See if you notice a difference. 

Modelling how to act in difficult situations is so important for our children.  Try to stay positive. Try to stay calm. Try to be empathetic. If children come home to parents who deal with anger or stress by yelling and making everyone around them anxious or uncomfortable, this is how children will learn to deal with their own stress. 

As you react to life, remember that there are pliable little brains seeing and hearing all that you say and do, or don’t say and don’t do. You are forming pathways in their brains and strengthening ones in your own, so make good choices and practice staying calm with them in difficult situations.

Naturally, school becomes a place that puts emphasis on our academic achievements.  Assignments, projects, tests, checking in, report cards, the list goes on. As parents we want to know how our child is doing academically, how they compare to other students their age, and what we can do to help them along.   Students are taught hard to try their best and work hard.  What does trying your best mean and how can you support your child at home? 

As a mom of four young children, including twins, I truly see how every child learns differently. Even my twins learn differently, it is so amazing to watch! Of course, I have always known this in my own classroom, but as a parent it can be hard not to compare my own children at times. Let me tell you, they are all so very different.  Even as a teacher, my own children have really been the best reminder to me that children learn and grow differently, they all have something special about them, and sometimes it isn’t about the achievement. 

As my children grow and talk about learning at home, these key points often come up:

1. We all learn differently, and that is ok. What might be easy for one person to learn could be really difficult for someone else. What you find difficult might be easy for someone else. Everyone has something that they are good at!
2. Just try your best and don’t give up. Some things are difficult. Some things take time. You’ll get there, you can do hard things, even if it takes some extra time!
3. Be patient and kind to everyone. Help others when you can. 

I find these conversations with my young children to be great reminders for myself at school too! 

Speaking of everyone being good at something, we also know that EQ (emotional intelligence quotient) is an important part of learning. In fact, EQ can be used to predict academic achievement, and children with a greater EQ appear to perform better academically.

Empathy is one of the most important aspects of EQ. Empathy has been described as an affective response to another person’s situation or as an awareness of the feelings of others. Children learn empathy at home, during sports, in the classroom, and anywhere social interaction occurs. It makes me wonder though, is it built in? Even my babies have shown empathy! Now twin toddlers, it’s adorable watching them notice each other's feelings and show empathy towards each other.  We need to keep modelling it for them though!  As a parent and a teacher, I love seeing empathy in kids!

Developing empathy in children can promote perspective taking, tolerance and compassion, but it can also make students better readers, writers, and communicators. Generally, the literature suggests that increasing empathy can provide students with the skills to improve communication and socialization and increase their academic success.

At Wes Hosford, we focus on doing the right thing even when no one is looking.  We’re teaching our students to feel good about themselves, to think about others, and to feel the intrinsic rewards that come along with the virtues we’ve been practicing. 

Our students are ready for successful learning. At home and school, we are a great team to keep building this together. 

Please reach out if you have any questions or need to chat! 

Christy Nichol

We have been talking about self-esteem, self-confidence and self love in Health lately. Why is this important? Self-esteem is the way we think and feel about ourselves, self-confidence is our attitude about our abilities to do things.  Well, feeling good about yourself, having a positive view of yourself and the confidence to try new things can certainly make each day more enjoyable. It impacts the day to day life of kids and adults of all ages and helps them be resilient in difficult situations.  Self-esteem and confidence is going to impact daily decisions, relationships and really can shape our overall mental health and well-being. 

How can we help children to develop self-esteem, self-confidence, and know that it is important to value and love things about themselves? Modelling these things is important! Children notice and see the adults around them. Be sure to talk and act in a positive way about yourself, be open to learning new things, remember that it is okay to make mistakes and learn from them.  Help children to understand this. Compliment them. Help them see the good in themselves, especially when they might struggle to see it. Let them make mistakes, but also help them learn from them and try again. Give them responsibilities and keep them accountable. Let them be themselves. Give them choices. Tell them they are valued and loved for who they are.  We all like to hear that, right? 

We read a book together called, “Rock What Ya Got” by Samantha Berger, in Health. Ask your child what this means to them. After, we created self portraits and wrote positive messages about ourselves including things we were proud of and loved about ourselves. It was heartwarming to read all of the positive things that the students loved about themselves. We sure have a wonderful group of students at Wes Hosford and I love working with them! 

In our uncertain world right now, I’m finding that children are anxious. It seems to be all around us.  Children are worried in a world that even adults can’t fully understand right now.  They are trying their hardest at school, or at home as they bounce between school and home trying to keep physically healthy, but mentally, it is demanding.  It’s hard, and everyone is challenged in different ways.  But kids are still kids, and sometimes when they get home to their safe place, they fall apart.  Remember, you are their safe place, and they are trying their best. Be there for them, listen to them, answer their questions, give them a break if they need it, take one with them - I bet they will love it. Try to stick to healthy routines and structure, they really can make a difference. Love yourself, and love them, find ways to bond together. 

If you or your child (children) are struggling at home, please reach out. We have so many (many free!) resources available in our community and some upcoming courses and classes that look fantastic, whether you need some extra advice or are just looking for a fun way to bond and have some fun! Check these out! 

Did you know? Approximately 1 in 5 Canadian children are affected by a mental health issue.  Explore factors that contribute to mental health and wellness, and learn how you can be your child’s greatest mental health asset by using strategies that promote their mental health and wellness.  Learn about the different types of stress and how some stress can be helpful in building children’s resiliency and future success.

• This upcoming series of "Inclusive Parenting" is being presented by Alberta Health Services (virtually) based on their "Parenting Strategies that Promote Positive Mental Health and Build Resiliency in Elementary School Children" sessions.
• Focus is on caregivers of kids in elementary school (grades K-6).

Inclusive Parenting

Not sure where to begin in promoting inclusion in your home? Join us to learn tips and ways your family can adopt new practices, foster community inclusion, and explore age-appropriate conversations. Participants will be encouraged to be vulnerable, ask questions, and learn something new!

FOR: Anyone with children or youth in their lives-parents, caregivers or service providers

COST: Free

WHEN: Wednesday February 16 6:00pm-7:30pm online

To register, visit www.strathcona.ca/parentsupport

Mindful Kids

When children experience big emotions like anger or silliness, it can be challenging to manage those feelings with appropriate behaviours. Join us to learn more about what happens in our bodies when we have big feelings and practice some fun techniques to help calm our bodies and brains.

Topics include “Sometimes I feel...”

• angry and frustrated - Feb. 8

• worried and afraid - Feb. 15

• hyper and silly - Feb. 22

FOR: Children in Grades 1 to 3

COST: Free

WHEN: 5:00pm-5:30pm

To register, visit www.sclibrary.ca/calendar

Creative Outlet

Plug into your creativity! Creativity helps us express ourselves and improves our mental health. Join with a friend and try something new. Sign up for three fun days during spring break!

Topics will include:

• Make a mess

• Expressive Art

• Reduce, Reuse and Recycle

FOR: Children in Grades 4 to 6

COST: Free

WHEN: Tuesday to Thursday March 29-March 31 9am-noon @ Ardrossan Recreation Complex or

Tuesday to Thursday March 29 to March 31 1pm to 4pm @ Strathcona Count Community Centre

For more information and to register, visit www.strathcona.ca/familyresourcenetwork

Happy New Year!  We are so happy to welcome students back to school in person this week after an extra long break! We know it might not be the January everyone thought it would be and that this can be a struggle for many as the stress of COVID continues to weigh on us all. 

Getting back into a routine can be difficult, especially after a long break and some time off our daily routines. The extra mental demand with the uncertainty around us all can make our usual routines feel even heavier.  The first few days back this year will have a few of our students feeling tired, grumpy, or anxious. Others may feel excited, happy and eager to return. Adults and parents may feel the same.  All of these feelings are ok and normal. Getting back to routine is so important for kids, and people of all ages too! 

Mrs. Freiheit has talked about routines and boundaries comparing kids to fish in a fish tank.  When you first put the fish in the water, they swim around frantically, bumping into the glass. Once they know the boundaries, however, they calm down, and rarely hit the glass ever again.  Boundaries can be hard at first, but we need them, and kids do well with them. 

Of course, kids are a little more complex than fish, and will continue to test those boundaries once in a while; some kids with more frequency than others. I’m sure you’ve heard it a thousand times, but one trick to reducing the frequency of the testing is consistency. The more consistent we are, the more secure our kids are in the boundaries, and the less often they’ll try inappropriate behavior.

We hope that whatever your new year might look like, what your goals may be and how you are handling our world right now, that you find some time to focus on you and your children right now. Find something to be happy about. Find something to be grateful for. Find something to motivate you. 

We are here if you need us, have questions or concerns.  If you find you are needing extra supports at home, remember that our community has some great services to offer. 

The number is 780-464-4044 or visit www.strathcona.ca/wellbeing

Have a great January and all the best in 2022!

As the Christmas season approaches it can bring up so many emotions. While it is often associated with wonderful feelings, Christmas can be a difficult time for some. With the added uncertainty in our world right now, this can bring on some feelings of stress and anxiety. 

We hope that our families can take some time to enjoy this special time, take some time to relax, enjoy each other and let those little things go. 

Here are some fun ideas:

-Get outside and play! Play is great for everyone, even adults! It can help relieve stress, improve brain function, increase your energy and improve your connection with others. 

-Think about what you are grateful for. That can be hard sometimes, especially when we are still missing out on some things that feel normal for us. Make a gratitude journal, or just talk about it with your family every day. What are you grateful for each day? Here are some questions you could ask every day: What is your favourite holiday memory? What is your favourite holiday food? What brings you comfort and joy during Christmas? What is something beautiful that you saw today? What holiday song do you love most? The list could go on… 

-Play some of your favourite games together. We love board games in our house! 

-Take some time to read, together or alone. There are tons of benefits to reading, you can read about them in November’s update. 

I hope that all of our Wes Hosford families can take some time to reflect on your blessings, relax and enjoy some time together this month! 

 Needing Holiday Help?

https://www.canada.ca/en/financial-consumer-agency/services/debt.html for help with Debt

A Safe Place (24Hr) -780-464-7233

Family and Community Services -780-464-4044

Victim Services - 780-449-0153

Why do we ask you to include reading each day in your child’s homework or bedtime routine?

The more practice, the better, right? Reading novels or short stories helps the brain grow.  Reading builds builds brain power the same way pumping iron builds muscles.

Did you know that the act of reading increases the white matter in your brain?  White matter is what carries info between the different regions of the brain’s grey matter. Building white matter helps information be processed more efficiently. Reading requires patience, diligence, concentration, and creativity. When we read we have to think and we have to make connections to our own lives and to our own experiences.

What else can reading do?  Reading can also help to build empathy. When you read you relate to the character. You might be fearful for them, or sad, or be cheering them on. This can affect how your child interacts with others in the real world.  Research shows that reading makes us more intelligent cognitively, as well as emotionally. Readers make smarter decisions about themselves and those around them.

So, reading improves:

-concentration

-empathy

-social skills

-intelligence

-emotional intelligence

-writing

-mental health (it can calm you, help you solve life’s problems, etc.)

-creativity

-and so much more!!!!!

Thank you for engaging in your child's education by reading with them!

We’ve been talking about emotions, stress and grit lately. Everyone seems to be feeling stress and grit it in different ways at this busy time of the year! 

What is Stress?

Stress can include the emotional strain or tension felt in demanding situations and circumstances. A little stress can help us to perform and do better, but too much is not good for our bodies or minds. Stress can feel like butterflies in our stomach, worrying, feeling anxious, cranky, trouble concentrating and more.  When your body has a stress response, it can help you perform under pressure, but if your mind and body is on edge and feeling too much stress too often, it can become a problem.  Healthy habits like sleep, relaxation, physical activity, asking for help and being proactive can help us to manage stress.

What Is Grit?

Grit is the quality that enables individuals to work hard and stick to their long-term passions and goals. It involves working through challenges, and maintaining effort and interest despite failure, adversity, and plateaus in progress. Gritty people approach achievement as a marathon, with stamina the advantage. While disappointment and boredom may lead most people to give up, gritty people keep trying. Grit, then, can be thought of as a combination of character traits including self-discipline, resilience, perseverance, stamina, conscientiousness and self-control.

So, which one do we want? 

That’s right, Grit! 

Why Is Grit Important?

Grit has been found to be a better predictor of success than Diploma Exam scores or IQ tests. There have been many studies that show the importance of self-discipline and resilience in achieving positive outcomes such as academic success, happiness, and overall contentment in life.

When children struggle with a task they may give up because they think they lack ability. It is important for students to understand that it is okay to feel confused when learning something new, and actually, it is expected. We can teach children that making mistakes or taking a long time to complete an assignment is a normal part of learning, not a sign of failure. We can teach them that having grit means that you choose to invest time and energy into a task. We teach them to be committed to the task and, over time, apply this learning to broader and broader life goals.

How Do I Encourage Grit In My Child?

• Talk about the power of attitude and persistence (Give examples from your own life or people that interest your child. Talk to them about how you were able to succeed in life and the road blocks and challenges you faced AND how you overcame them.)
• Start with smaller problems and build / chunk their work into manageable bits (Ex. Start with clearing the table and work up to loading the dishwasher)
• Praise effort and work ethic, etc. and use character trait language such as: You've been working on your homework for twenty minutes. You're becoming really persistent!" or "I see you've ignored your phone while you've been studying. That is awesome self-control!" And avoid praising intelligence (this can harm motivation and performance and lead them to the mindset that success means they are smart / failure means they are dumb)
• Share the "why" not just the "what" meaning: share the relevance of the task (ex. "I ask you to do chores because it's my job as a parent to teach you the tools necessary to be a contributing member of society. In fact, it's a lot faster and easier for me to just do it myself, but then I wouldn't be doing my job. Plus, I love you enough to take the hard road by teaching you to do chores." As opposed to, "Because I'm your parent and I say so" or "Because I pay  the bills" or "Because when you're under my roof you'll follow my rules" etc.)
• Teach your child to advocate for themselves; they need to learn to ask for help when they don't understand something and they need to learn that they may need to go for extra help sometimes, at recess or lunch
• Explain that they don't always get what they want in life and that's okay (ex. They won't get invited to play every game at recess, not everyone will want to be their friend, they won't always get a medal at the end of the season...)
• Read articles or books like "Outliers" by Gladwell that talk about the 10 000 hours of practice required to develop a skill or talent.

Talented people who don't know how to fail or struggle may not reach their potential. On the other hand people with no end of hard work and determination may be more likely to exceed their potential. Ability alone doesn't equal success; it takes a combination character traits like self-control, determination and conscientiousness.

When we give our children the gift of grit, we open doors for them!

Hello! My name is Christy Nichol. I’m happy to be back after taking some time to stay home with my baby twins. I’m a busy mom of four and love spending time with kids. I’m grateful to be back at Wes Hosford part time this year and see so many familiar faces.  I will be teaching Grades 1-6 Health this year and sharing the role of School Counselor with Sue Freiheit.

You can reach me by emailing me at christy.nichol@eips.ca or by phoning the school.  I will be here at the school on Tuesday and Wednesdays.

The following information may be helpful to share with your child.

Q: Why would I see the counsellor?

A: A counsellor is an adult who acts as your advocate. An advocate is someone who wants to listen to what you have to say and helps you come up with solutions.  It does not mean I can solve the problems for you; it does mean that you have a safe place you can go to when you are not sure what to do.

Also, a counsellor can:

-make sure you’ve got all the right facts.

-help you express your needs and feelings.

-help you figure out what to do next.

-help you tap into your own strengths and resources.

Q:  What sorts of things can I talk to the counsellor about?

A:  You may want to talk to me if you have any academic, or personal concerns.  For example:

“I’m having trouble making friends.”

“I’m having a hard time paying attention in class.”

“My parents and I argue about homework.”

Q: How do I request to see the counsellor?

A: Let the office or your teacher know you need to see me and I will let your teacher know when you can come to my counselling office. Don't worry... no one else needs to know we are chatting! 

Q: Is what I say kept private?

A: All information shared is considered confidential or private unless we have been given permission by you to share the information or if the information interferes with one or more of three legal restrictions: the student is planning to harm themselves or someone else; someone is harming the student; a judge or FOIP request occurs and records are subpoenaed. 

Wow! What an interesting year!  

I have enjoyed getting to know all of our students and many of our parents and I look forward to a change in roles next year as I move into the principal position. I will still have one foot in the counselling department, as I love supporting our students as they navigate the world.

I look forward to a relaxing summer, and I hope all of our families find time to rest and recover. Whether you're conscious of it or not, we have all been through a difficult year - 18 months. Now it's time for our students to rest, to play and to have some backyard adventures!

Of course, I have to put a plug in for getting your children to read and write over the holidays. I have attached a link to a K-3 and a 4-6 reading chart that you may choose to use. They are reward charts, so, depending on their age, maybe 20 minutes of reading a day could earn a Loonie, or maybe a star chart on the fridge might be incentive enough. Or maybe your child likes to sit at the computer all day and needs a carrot dangled to encourage playing outside and running around! Well, a healthy balance is always best.

I made some videos for the teachers to show that introduced the students to some great summer reads. The titles can be found at the County Library:

Div 1

West Meadows Detectives: The Case of Maker Mischief

Cam Jansen: The Mystery of the Stolen Diamonds

A to Z Mysteries: The Bald Bandit

Ivy and Bean

Stink, the Incredible Shrinking Kid

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Underworlds: The Battle Begins

Judy Moody

Beat Quest: Ferno the Fire Dragon

Div 2

The Strange Case of Origami Yoda

Circus Mirandus

Unusual Chickens for the Exceptional Poultry Farmer

The Dragon in the Sock Drawer

Amulet

Wings of Fire: The Dragonet Prophecy

The Terrible Two

The county library has great summer programs that we will hopefully be able to access.

Whatever adventures you have this summer I hope they're safe and fun with no sunburns or mosquito bites!

Have a great summer and I’ll see you in September!

Counsellor’s Corner

By Sue Freiheit

It has long been known that behaviours set up pathways in the brain, neural pathways, that become easier to access with time and repetition. This means that if we respond in a certain way, maybe involuntarily at first, the behaviour pattern may become automatic. This is great for piano players and athletes and may be beneficial in terms of behaviour if we teach our children wisely. This is why I’m always talking about the importance of modelling. When children observe behaviours, their brains create pathways for the behaviours which they then repeat more easily, and eventually, automatically.

Recently, and in a number of different settings, I’ve heard the advice, “If you’re mad scream into a pillow, or punch a pillow.” I’m so surprised by this and would strongly caution you against encouraging your children to do this. When we become angry our brain jumps to the “how do I act when I’m angry” pathway and doesn’t distinguish between a pillow and a person. The neural message is “scream” or “hit”… not a behaviour we want to encourage or have become automatic.

Instead, the message should be “stay calm” or “think clearly”. Counting to ten is great for people who have mastered relaxation techniques, but most of us aren’t there yet, so counting to ten is ineffective. We need to teach our children the long version before they can take the shortcut. The long version should be taught first when they aren’t angry and then used when they are angry.

To teach this, find your child when they are calm and ask them to lie face up on the floor, palms up at their sides. This is a submissive, non-threatening position. Tell your child to take a deep breath in through their nose. (In a real situation, where they are actually angry, they will have to exhale slowly through their mouth, but as their anger subsides they will be able to breathe out through their nose.) Tell them to give their shoulders a gentle shake and to wiggle their fingers. Have them relax their jaw and their eyebrows. Repeat these instructions many times. When they are able to maintain these conditions more easily have them whisper quiet messages such as, “I’m okay,” or “Everything is okay.” Ask them to imagine themselves dealing with the problem in a positive way, or to imagine the problem solved. At this point you may be able to have a calm, rational conversation with them, and work things out.

These neural pathways are the reason I am always stressing the importance of modelling. If children come home to parents who deal with anger or stress by yelling and making everyone around them nervous, this is how children will learn to deal with their own stress. If we model cursing and fist shaking when someone cuts us off in traffic, our children’s driving instructors will be in for an earful!

As you react to life remember that there are pliable little brains seeing and hearing all that you say and do, or don’t say and don’t do. You are forming pathways in their brains and strengthening ones in your own, so make good choices and maybe even try a little relaxation of your own.

In school, emphasis is often placed on marks, report cards, and academic progress. As parents we want to know how our child is doing academically, how they compare to other students their age, and what we can do to help them along if there are any concerns.

When my children were in elementary school I found it hard to avoid getting caught up in the “marks” aspect of learning, even though the counsellor side of my brain knows that isn’t what’s important. I know that every child develops at their own rate, but even though I know that it’s the process that is most important, I still got excited when my children moved up a level in their home reading books!

I also know that EQ (emotional intelligence quotient) is as important if not more important than IQ (Intelligence Quotient). In fact, EQ can be used to predict academic achievement, and children with a greater EQ appear to perform better academically.

Empathy is one of the most important aspects of EQ. Empathy has been described as an affective response to another person’s situation or as an awareness of the feelings of others. Children learn empathy at home, during sports, in the classroom, and anywhere social interaction occurs. As they get older they become less egocentric, and more empathetic.

Developing empathy in children can promote perspective taking, tolerance and compassion, but it can also make students better readers, writers, and communicators. Generally, the literature suggests that increasing empathy can provide students with the skills to improve communication and socialization and increase their academic success.

That’s why I love our school’s focus on doing the right thing even when no one is looking and, of course, our bucket fillers! We’re teaching our students to feel good about themselves, to think about others, and to feel the intrinsic rewards that come along with the virtues we’ve been practicing. With all of this in place, the doors are open to more successful learning!

Together, we are creating fabulous future citizens!

Sue

PS Try to remember empathy when someone cuts you off in traffic… especially if the kids are in the car! Model, model, model! ; )

One issue that school staff and parents face quite regularly is when two children approach us with an issue and both claim the other is lying. If they have opposing stories, then usually that means one of them, and sometimes both them, are lying. The great thing about elementary school, is that we can take advantage of these learning opportunities to teach the importance of owning our mistakes, and making things right. It's not about punishing, it's about teaching.

Similarly, when we phone home to share observations or information about an incident parents will often say, "My child would never lie to me!" Of course, we all know there is no guarantee that that our children won't lie, but in the moment our natural reaction is to defend our child. What might help, is to understand what your child might be thinking when they say "It wasn't me" or "I didn't do it".

 First, children lie for different reasons:

• they might lie because they are embarrassed about their behavior
• they don't want to disappoint you or their teacher
• they don't see it as lying, but as exaggerating or altering the story slightly to lessen their part in it 

In my experience, there is often little point in going back in time to try to figure out "who started it". A simpler approach, whether with siblings or neighborhood friends, is to look at the big picture. Try saying something like:

"Clearly, the two of you are having some trouble getting along. This is normal. It happens with siblings, with friends and it even happens with adults. I'm guessing that both of you may have made some mistakes here. Maybe one of you is more at fault than the other, but the important things is that we own our mistakes, apologize and learn not to do that same mistake again."

This might sound really fluffy, but children do respond to this. You could try adding something like: "Who thinks they might have something they would like to apologize for?"

As adults, we prepare, study, practice, take exams, fill out resumes, and go to great lengths to become skilled and knowledgeable for our careers, but when it comes to the most important job anyone could ever hope to have, we tend to just sort of fly by the seat of our pants. Parenting is the toughest, most rewarding, most challenging job we’ll ever have, and there’s always room to learn and improve our skills.

I’ve been sharing tips from the book “Secrets of Discipline: Twelve keys for raising responsible children” by Ronald Morrish, but I realize that getting parenting ideas from a book isn’t everyone’s first choice. The county, however, offers some great courses on parenting.

To register for a session, visit: https://www.cyfcaregivereducation.ca/virtual-education

Visit their website for tip sheets, videos, and more! www.cyfcaregivereducation.ca

What do you do when your darling child ignores you or refuses to listen? Well, I’m sure there are lots of strategies out there (and feel free to share – I’m always looking for new tricks!) but the one that saved my sanity was Ronald Moorish’s “Do Overs”.

He explains that simply telling a child what to do, or not do, isn’t enough. We need to “train” them. When they don’t respond the way you need them to, stop everything, get down to their level and tell them exactly how they need to respond. Then repeat whatever your request was.

I know, it sounds like a big, time consuming, pain, but it really works! Imagine if, instead of giving you a speeding ticket, a police officer said, “Okay, let’s go back to your home, and I’ll follow you here, and you will do the speed limit the whole way!” I’d rather take the ticket!

When my daughter was little a big thing for me was that she come when I called her. I wanted the security of knowing that if there was ever any trouble she wouldn’t hesitate or ignore me. When she didn’t come I would go to her, hold her hands, look her in the eye and say, “Mommy is going to go over there and call you, and you are going to come running over and give me a big hug. Okay?” Sometimes she would say “okay” and other times she would just nod, but she always came running.

My son was another story. With him I often had to repeat the whole thing two or three times, and instead of just telling him what I wanted him to do, I would tell him repeat the instructions to me. 

With both kids, however, I didn’t have to go through the whole spiel for very long. Eventually I would just say, “Let’s do that over again” and they would do it.

The trick, once again, is that dreaded word consistency. It’s so much more effective if mom, dad, grandparents, sitters, etc. are all onboard.

For a better, more detailed description of this strategy, read “Secrets of Discipline: Twelve keys for raising responsible children” (ISBN number 0-9681131-0-9) by Ronald Morrish.

If you try it, I’d love to hear if it works as well for you as it did for my family!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Sue

FYI...

If you or someone you know is struggling financially, emotionally, or really in any way, Strathcona County Family and Community Supports (FCS) has a main intake line, which is designed to streamline referrals and make accessing support a simpler process.

• The number is 780-464-4044 or visit Strathcona.ca/wellbeing
• Free service
• Hours are Monday and Friday 8:30am-4:30pm and Tues-Thurs 8:30am-8:30pm.
• Modes of contact include virtual meets, in-person, or phone call, depending on situation.

Happy New Year! Welcome back to school and to familiar routines.

Getting back into a routine is often a chore, especially after a two week break. I’m sure the first couple of days back to school this year will have a few of our students feeling tired, grumpy, and reluctant to return. Knowing the routine, and the rules, however, is hugely important to kids.

They say that kids are like fish in a fish tank. When you first put the fish in the water, they swim around frantically, bumping into the glass. Once they know the boundaries, however, they calm down, and rarely hit the glass ever again.

Of course, kids are a little more complex than fish, and will continue to test those boundaries once in a while; some kids with more frequency than others. I’m sure you’ve heard it a thousand times, but one trick to reducing the frequency of the testing is consistency. The more consistent we are, the more secure our kids are in the boundaries, and the less often they’ll try inappropriate behavior.

Another great way to keep things running smoothly is to avoid the old “If… then” terminology. “If you do this thing you’re not keen on doing…then you’ll get this great reward.” Or, “If you don’t do this… then this will happen.”

There’s lots of reasons to avoid the “If…then”, but there are two main reasons. One is that the word “If” implies that they can do it (or not do it) if they wish. It implies a choice, where often there isn’t one. Like, “If you don’t stop hitting your brother…then…”

Second, the “thens” often lose their power. Have you ever heard, “Fine I’ll go to my room.” Or, “Ground me then, I don’t care.”

Obviously, we don’t mean to give them a choice, but our language implies it. So, use different language. Drop the “if” and just say, “You will stop hitting your brother.” Period.

Of course, if it doesn’t stop, then what?

Well, I’ve got some good tips for that age old problem as well, but I’ll save that for next month. In the meantime, you might be interested in reading a wonderful book written by an ex-principal and behavior consultant, Ronald Morrish. It’s called “Secrets of Discipline: Twelve keys for raising responsible children”. The ISBN number is 0-9681131-0-9. If you have the time, I highly recommend reading it.

Have a great January!

Sue